deepcontemplator

thinking deeply about things that matter

Category: Self dev

  • Should you say Yes, or No?

    Should you say Yes, or No?

    Self help literature usually asks you to say No to things by default, to avoid burnout and save your energy for things that really matter. But like any other maxim, it leads itself to over simplification.

    So I was pleasantly surprised when Atul Gawande (whose book Being Mortal I greatly admire), asked us to say yes until we are 40 in this podcast.

    This got me thinking on how saying yes, within limits and based on how much you can chew at a moment has its merits

    You become more open minded
    By saying yes, you allow serendipity and surprise to enter your life. Saying yes does not have to be anything big like a long online course. Even little things like a social event which you would normally skip, or a last minute booking for a theatre play can open up new ways of thinking.

    You understand your limits
    Just following along with many things will eventually expose your hard limits or attributes which you weren’t aware of. Such moments where you hit a bummer, if channeled and processed correctly can be a great opportunity to understand yourself better.

    You create space for new things
    To take on something new, you need to forgo something present or put it on the backburner. It means you have to critically look at your resources (time, energy and finances). Even if you end up declining the offer, it forces you to rethink whether you are using your resources for things that matter to you.

    You choose to say yes, mindfully
    By stepping up and choosing to lean into opportunities which interest you, you are signaling to yourself that you are making a choice and committing to something. There are times and perhaps areas in life where you won’t have much choice, like staying-in during a pandemic.

    But when you say yes, You are making the choice and you get to keep the promise you made to yourself.

    Saying yes doesn’t mean you need to follow through even after you discover information countering it.

    You gain a better understanding of your range, solidify your values and make your drive stronger for things which really matter.

  • Taking up space

    Taking up space

    As you go through life, among other things like competency, empathy, money, you realize how developing a healthy sense of self is of paramount importance. We tend to focus on developing skills and traits that help us be a better human to others, but we need to focus on being a better friend, confidant, ally to oneself too.

    One such realizations in my journey of self development is how it is fair for you to take as much space as you want. It is not just about literal space, though that matters to.

    We once had an activity in our dance class where a group of around twenty people are walking around the dance floor without stopping or bumping into each other. Like a swarm of flies in a bottle is how our instructor described our movement should be. And the area to walk progressively gets lesser and lesser. Eventually you have everyone moving in a space as large as a bathroom.

    After awkward bumps, few pushes, we finally ended the activity. Later my instructor gave the feedback on how I was literally curling my shoulders inward to not take up space. She did an impression of my walk and it looked both funny and surprising how I didn’t even realize I was doing that. Once we all of us got our respective feedback, the second time, we all flowed between each other like birds swaying with their wings around obstructions.

    Their began my journey of understanding space, posture and how we constrict or expand ourselves based on situations.

    It taught me how to be comfortable with my own body and take the space I need without apologizing.

    Of course you are not going to infringe on someone else’s space but that doesn’t mean you have to diminish yourself.

    In the larger context, I feel taking up space also means showing up as your authentic self. Even in situations or places where showing up might not be easy. It could mean going to that event alone where only groups have turned up. Or holding space and being comfortable with the sadness lurking when a friend is crying.

    You firmly and gracefully stand your ground.

    Everyone has space in this world to just be and flourish. A flower along the sidewalk doesn’t apologize for the space it takes, it blooms and withers when its time. Taking as much space when and where it needs, and gently fading away.

    Give yourself the permission to be seen fully and in all your splendidness.

  • Walking, without distractions

    I have always been a walker. I was lucky to attend a college which was within a couple of kilometers from my house. So most days I would walk back home. The pleasant Bangalore weather and walkable roads definitely helped.

    This habit has stuck along and I take a walk daily now as well. I used to listen to my favorite podcasts or some high powered music during these walks. That would mean some days these walks would get extended because of an interesting podcast episode or so.

    But of late though I have started to take walks without any music or other distractions. And it has been refreshing to say the least!

    We are nudged towards multitasking in this age filled with technology and devices. At a time when we want to get the most buck for our time, it can feel scary to take time daily for something trivial as a walk around the house. This beautiful and simple act of taking a plain old walk without any distraction has become a luxury. 

    The quiet walks have helped me relax and slow down.

    Thoughts which keep popping up, but after some time you learn to notice them and let them go. On difficult days, it gives me the space to notice and listen to my feelings and emotions. On most days, these would get submerged beneath all the other distractions adding into the pile of unresolved issues.

    I realized I have begun to notice things which were in plain sight but never paid much attention earlier. Like the sand blowing at my face at a construction site, the yells of cricket players in the playground or the chirping of the lone bird on a tree. If I am lucky I also get to catch a glimpse of the sunset and the various hues the sky takes.

    I still do listen to music and/or podcasts on days when I really need a break. But the other times, when I walk without any distraction, the experience only seems to be getting better with each walk.

  • Why you need to show up. Always.

    Why you need to show up. Always.

    Show up. Consistency. Compounding. Kaizen. Habits.

    I believe these are all different ways to put forth the same general idea. Anything which you do (or be) consistently gathers momentum and has a great positive (or negative) impact on your life.

    Showing up is the first step to make any change which you intend to see in yourself.

    A few years ago I joined a gym, which claimed that all I needed to was show up everyday and they will take care of the rest. It sounded pretty simple and achievable and stuck with me. Even on days when I was feeling lazy/tired/not exactly motivated, I would muster just enough willpower to land at the gym door. And once there I would give my best anyway.

    For the first time I became consistent with my fitness and started to experience real results after a few months. The momentum put me in a motivation cycle where the results pushed me to eat healthier, commit to fitness and in general take better care of myself.

    But showing up is not always easy.

    Especially when it’s uncomfortable to show up. Whenever you are stepping foot in a new arena, say a dance class, a presentation, a date or an interview, you are making yourself vulnerable. Its scary, yes. Its okay to be fearful, but you do it anyway. And even in the worst case, you would have at least learnt something about yourself or the world in the process which you can channel into your growth.

    Though it may sound simple and inconsequent, like missing gym or blogging for a day wouldn’t make a difference. But real change, your journey towards reaching your potential, happens with those tiny repeated steps.

    When you decide and show up for yourself, consistently, and sincerely.

  • On reading

    On reading

    One rainy evening in Bengaluru, we were in a special English class for GRE preparation, waiting for rains to subside so that we could leave. The English teacher, who we all adored, dusted off the chalk from her notes and sat down on her chair and started speaking casually. Like how a tired mother done with all the chores at the end of the day would sit with her kids to speak.

    She said

    I hope you all pick up the habit of reading. Not because it will give you a good vocabulary and help you score higher in the exam. But, as you start reading, you realize that you are becoming a better person.

    Until then though I had multiple false starts trying to pick up reading as a habit and the motivation was always directed outwards – To show others that I am a reader too. To get into the smart people read club.

    But after hearing what she said that day, which to even this date I keep thinking of, I think reading became a more inward directed activity. And I began to identify myself as a reader. Of course reading can be still be sometimes a show of vanity, with the undeclared competition which happens over Goodreads feed with your reading friends.

    But what my teacher said that day is true. From that day (close to 12 years ago) I have read more than 100 books. And I don’t know if I can certify myself to be a better person now! But I am definitely a much more rounded and well informed person, and a part of it can be credited to my habit of reading.

    Reading fiction helps you get into the psyche of people totally different than you in terms of their circumstance, life stage or background. It makes you more empathetic and in general more warm to all kinds of people out there.

    I read a lot of non-fiction as well. They give you great perspectives on different viewpoints and many are distillations of the works of luminaries over almost their entire lifetime.

    There is an oft-quoted

    The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.

    If you have the time, opportunity, privilege and inclination to read, then I ask you to give it a try. And like my English teacher said that rainy day, maybe it will change you, for the better! 🙂

  • Life is all about how to manage your money, energy and time

    Life is all about how to manage your money, energy and time

    As you keep growing up, different aspects take the center stage at different life stages. Once you get into adulthood, and you are past the initial days of euphoria of earning, enjoying great freedoms and even financial leeway to an extent, things start to settle down. And sometime in your late 20s or early 30s it hits you that the most important resource of all perhaps is your time rather than your money.

    Along with time, and money, you also realize that on a daily basis irrespective of these two factors, what you can achieve is dependent heavily on your energy level. So we always need to keep optimizing that we are spending these three very precious and limited resources mindfully and in alignment with our values and deliberately chosen goals.

    Money

    Yes money is an important aspect in one’s life, and a stark lack of it can actually make it extremely difficult to lead a decent life or spend time towards self improvement. But after a certain limit, it is also shown by research how making more money does not necessarily result in a great increase in happiness. So financial stability is a basic human need, but for those who are fortunate to reach a certain level with their money reserve, it no longer controls their life completely.

    Energy

    We all have limited energy every given day. Though we could build good habits like exercise, eating good food, maintaining a sleep cycle to increase and sustain our energy levels, we need to remember that it is highly dependent on our age, type of job and other responsibilities which we would have. But our energy tanks can be refueled up to a certain level and count in a day and we can allocate our energy according to that.

    Time

    This is probably the most important resource of all, for once its spent, there is no way we can get it back. And its always being spent, whether or not you want it! But in a way it is also the greatest leveler in an otherwise highly unequal world. Hence its of paramount importance that you are extremely mindful and deliberate on how you spend your time.

    Like they say, life is short, but if you do it right, living once is enough.

  • Importance of the why?

    Importance of the why?

    So for a lot of things in life, to succeed, you need to build the skill, have perseverance, maybe have some luck as well. But the most important question of all, which will decide the amount of work you are willing to put in is the why.

    You often see this is in motivational talks or those iron pumping movies, where the protagonist is asked how badly do you want your goal. And I think whatever goals we set ourselves to, we must first clear the intention and the reason to ourselves.

    If its a long term, hard goal, like raising kids, a long career, it becomes even more pertinent that you consciously choose what you are doing and take some time to reflect and figure why are you exactly doing it. As anything worth having is not easy and definitely not for the faint hearted. If your why is not clear and powerful, then you will very soon become disillusioned and demotivated to continue when the going gets tough.

    They say whenever you need to pursue something, ask yourself if this is a “Hell Yes/No I will/will not do it” or a whimpering yes/no. And if its the latter then its probably not worth your time and energy pursuing it.

    We all get limited time on earth, so better spend that doing things which we really love doing and excel at it.

  • Charm of reading physical books

    Charm of reading physical books

    One of the many things which has got upended by digitalization is the concept of physical books. In the age of mobile phones and kindles, people still sticking to read from a physical book is dwindling. It might well be on the same path as newspapers. As apps overtake the news market, newspaper which once was essential in every house, has no longer been able to retain that position.

    A mobile phone or kindle has lots of benefits when it comes to reading. You can stuff literally thousand of books in one tablet, read through the night, carry it around easily on your travels, not have to worry about charging frequently. But the charm of physical books remain.

    Physical books not only serve to the intellect but the tactile feedback of holding a book and flipping through the pages cannot be delivered by an electronic device. As humans, paper is one medium which we have been making, writing on, reading from and creating. Vicky Tan, a designer at Spotify, mentions in this podcast how paper is a versatile medium which has been associated with humans from historical times.

    The act of reading a physical book can also be seen as a signaling mechanism that you are not frivolously whiling away your time on screen! If you want children to pick up reading, then probably one of the things is that they should see others, specially their parents reading books as well.

    And having a stack of books, though unfinished gives a visual reminder of all that knowledge which has been left unexplored!.

  • Why I do Yoga

    Why I do Yoga

    So the earliest I wanted to join a Yoga class was when I was around 13-14 years old, when Yoga was not as popular as it is today. Well but I didn’t join then, fast forward to almost 15 years later, I stepped into my first yoga class at the gym. And the moment I stepped on to the mat, I have never looked back since. (except when you are twisting backwards!)

    After a few months of practice, I did start seeing some changes in my body. But I used to do other forms of workout as well so its hard to figure how much of the physical changes can be attributed to yoga alone.

    As I started practicing longer, I started to get more curious about the benefits I supposedly must be seeing from all the asanas. So I frantically looked up each pose, the cat, cow, camel and see the myriad benefits its supposed to offer, from reducing stress to chronic back pain to releasing stored trauma in the body. Well perhaps I did see some of these benefits but I realized something more profound.

    Like your journey through life, your journey through yoga is also a personal one.

    The benefits one attains from practice can only be experienced. And since all of us are different, our bodies are different, yoga has different benefits for each of us. And it is our responsibility to just follow the practice, without any expectations and just observe ourselves as we are.

    Definitely yoga will benefit everyone, but how, can be answered only by you.

  • How to listen to life

    How to listen to life

    In a recent podcast about venture capital investing, the speaker stressed on the need of a startup founder to be a good listener of the market. A founder needs to be attuned to what the market is saying so that they do not miss out on important signals and hence make course corrections when needed.

    This thought me thinking about how important it is at an individual level as well to be “listening” to various aspects of your life. You need to seek out and be aware of feedback. Specially those which makes you a bit uncomfortable and you want to dismiss instinctively.

    Some of the strategies I use to be a better listener

    Listening to your body

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
    meet them at the door laughing,
    and invite them in.​

    Be grateful for whoever comes,
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

    – Rumi

    This is a big one and the easiest to silence or miss. Its easy to start believing that the mind is most important and the control center and we need to lead through our minds. The body is always giving you signals. Only when you sit at peace with yourself and let the body surface, you realize how intelligent the body is.

    I was learning contemporary dance a few years ago and it was frustrating when I ‘got’ a dance movement in my head but was unable to execute it. My teacher would then ask us to let the movement sink in and settle down in the body. And in fact after a week or so, the body would get the movement and you no longer would need to actually think hard about doing it.

    Meditation helps in settling down all the incessant thoughts and techniques like body scan helps increase body awareness. And its not that you need to fix everything you feel in your body, but its more about letting your body be heard and acknowledged.

    Listening to your internal voice

    Our internal voice is our constant companion. It might be a bitter friend or could be our all season cheerleader and confidante. And the voice can take different tones just in the course of a day.

    It might feel tempting to listen to our voice when its warm and uplifting and shut it down by dousing it in self hate or self doubt or shame other times. But it is important to hear to our internal voice fully and patiently.

    It doesn’t mean we act on it or believe all that it is saying. But the mere acknowledgement and embracing it fully as something which is valid is the only way to move further. This gives us the opportunity to engage with it rationally, to examine its roots and do the right thing anyway afterwards.

    Listening to others around you

    This might come across as easy, trivial even. On the one end there are the physical aspects of being a good listener including keeping your mouth shut, not finishing off the other person’s sentences, really listening to the other person and not just waiting to interject or make a counter.

    But the more nuanced and oft missed practice, is to listen with an open mind and compassion. We need to make it easy and inviting for someone to have a healthy conversation even when we know we might not like what they are going to say.

    One such realization I have had recently is to really listen during those heated discussions and moments of conflict. At times that’s when people might give you a hint of what they are really thinking or how you made them feel. Now it might not all be true and its convenient to rubbish those signals as outbursts of anger. But there might be gold within all that mud, when examined carefully with a clear mind.

    Conclusion

    Listening to both internally and externally is really important. Of course the more information you get, the more you need to sift through the noise and pick the right signals.

    But we need to be always attuned and willing to listen, else we might keep making the same mistakes until we ‘get’ the lesson.

    And sometimes, the lesson is in obvious plain sight.