deepcontemplator

thinking deeply about things that matter

Tag: life

  • Striving vs living – finding the balance

    Striving vs living – finding the balance

    It can be sometimes be addictive to keep working on ourselves and strive to be a better version. Never living the life which we currently have as a result.

    It is important to be aware of areas where we need work. Where there is room for growth. And we can consistently work on these aspects.

    However, we should not forget to live the life we already have, as we strive to be better.

    It is a delicate balance.

    On the one hand you are fully aware of your challenges and rough edges. On the other, you fully embrace your present self providing yourself validation and compassion.

    In present times, its easy to fall into the trap of constant striving. There are many signals from media, society hammered into us on how we are not smart, beautiful or social enough. Many of them are based on completely false narratives, but its a hard task to avoid this constant humdrum.

    So remember to live your life completely even as you continue on your growth journey. .

  • The limits of to do lists and planners

    The limits of to do lists and planners

    There is the oft quoted
    Failing to plan is planning to fail

    So we end up planning our days by the minute with things to do. There are many apps and planners which help you do this (to the extreme sometimes). You are asked at the start of the year/month/week to meticulously plan ahead, tack your daily habits like water intake, reading, watching shows and all. In return, at least implicitly, the promise is that by becoming an ultimate task slayer, you become a happier person.

    I have had my trysts and multiple false starts with such planning apps and planners. You firstly spend a lot of time trying to find the perfect app or planner which is customized to you. Sad news is – there are none which will perfectly fit you. There are many apps though which can work for you. 

    The important aspect however is how much pay off can you expect from tracking your days as a series of To Dos.

    As with many things in life, we go through seasons and cycles. There might be times when you are in the productivity mode and the whole month is filled with ticking off items on your to do list. Then there are extended periods of slump, where maybe you get 2-3 things done in the entire week. And that is okay.

    We do not have to be chained to never ending to do lists. 

    Our worth is not determined by how long the to do list is or how many items we are able to tick off.

    My experience with planners have been lackluster to say the least. I realized I am better off without them, and a simple to do list for the week, quarter, year suffices and mostly gets the job done.

    However, like any other tool in your life, be open to trying something new. Something which probably can make your life simpler. If it works for you, adopt it, even in a big way maybe!

    But the tool should not become an end in itself. Its a mean to achieve something greater. Definitely there are many worthwhile and important things in life, which you go ahead and do anyway, and may not figure in your to do list!

  • How to be less uptight

    How to be less uptight

    You want to things to be always prim and proper. With proper decorum. You get frustrated with minor inconveniences. Life problems can be stressful to handle at the best.

    The truth however is that life’s difficulties touches everyone in their lifetime. Isn’t the whole growing up, being mature, about being more resilient when life happens.

    1. Understand that things go wrong (and more often than you think)
      Even with best intentions, best plans, sometimes you get punched in the face. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It doesn’t mean everyone around is constantly judging you. When things don’t go as expected, accept it, and continue anyway.
    2. Its not your responsibility
      Yes, most things you are fretting about, let go. They are not your responsibility. Unless you are fully responsible of taking care of another living entity, like a child, pet or someone sick. You don’t need to get the house in order before guests visit, you are not responsible for always having to put up a cheerful and happy persona. You are allowed to have human emotions, and its healthy to show them in a safe space.
      So stop taking blame and apologizing for everything which goes wrong.
    3. Learn to be adaptable
      Things keep changing all the time. Try to be as adaptable and accommodating as you can. If any situation or person does expose your rough edges, give yourself enough grace and compassion to fully accept it. Think about how you can learn more about the situation and react better next time.
    4. Read, travel, meet people
      Learn, interact (and live their life vicariously via fiction) with people different from you. You learn how things go bad even with the ‘perfect’ people or circumstance. The more you can expand your worldview, the softer you become to yourself and those around you.
    5. Understand the finitude of life
      After all, an average person has around four thousand weeks in a lifetime! So is it really worth worrying and stressing about how the waiter irresponsibly doused a whole glass of mango milkshake on you.
      Many a times, its best to be just amused on how life can be so unpredictable and in the most random ways.
    Laugh at the minor misfortunes and live beautifully anyway.
  • Choosing inaction

    Choosing inaction

    Most of our thought is usually around stories of what we can or should do. Or what we could have done differently. We are caught up in this loop of how effective we can be in our world by our actions. And, action speak louder than words too!

    After years of endless ‘doing’, there comes a time when you step back and try to make sense of it. You realise yourself pushing, pulling, exerting all that effort on many areas.

    You realise the importance of choosing not to act. When we consciously do not affect anything and just let things be.

    You let go of your need to control everything and put ‘things in order’. You begin to see how things are already good the way they are.

    Even if things are not exactly how and where you want it to be, its beneficial to take that occasional hour/day off where you are not trying to change things.

    Silence or inaction does not mean apathy. You do not have to endure hardhips or toxic behavior by remaining silent. But when you are on the always on mode, you need conscious stepping back.

    Not everything is broken, and not everything needs to be fixed, at least not by you.

    So, just let things be, once in a while. Take that time off to just sit by yourself and let your existence come into the fore. Without dousing it in to do lists.

  • A note about solo travel

    A note about solo travel

    Traveling solo is one of the few things which gets a lot of marketing on social media and among young adults. It is projected as this ultimate soul searching tool, one which can be liberating and empowering. Maybe it is for some or at some time in one’s life. But if you are unable to travel solo, are you really missing out? Is it a must do? That’s complicated.

    I never felt the need to travel solo, or even travel in fact. If you mention that you don’t like traveling, its assumed that you are not serious about your growth. But is travel the only way to grow and expand your world view?

    So it was quite unlike me when I decided to go on a solo trip recently. I had quite some trepidation and inertia on should I even travel anywhere on my vacation days! But Internet seemed to advice that best way to spend your off days is to have a change of scenery and go as far as possible from your current environment!

    Solo travel does have its moments. I had a few interesting conversations. I got to travel at my own pace, customize the itinerary entirely without having to worry about anyone else’s needs. It was peaceful and fulfilling.

    Is solo travel the salve for everything? Is it really meant to give you something radical which you can’t figure out in the comfort of your own house? Maybe not. At least that’s not my experience.

    Travel, solo or with family or friends has its place in one’s life. It can be entertaining, relaxing, enlightening, humbling, any/all of these. But it can also be lonely, disorienting, tiring, uninspiring. Even a successful trip will be interspersed with these low points.

    So if you wanted to travel solo, go ahead! Maybe traveling the world solo is something you always wanted to do. But in no way is traveling the only way to become a better human. Definitely you don’t need to travel solo for it.

    We need to trust our intuition and follow its light for any activity in life.

    Always remember how much any activity can help us. As always, you can do too much of even a good thing.

  • How dance has helped me

    How dance has helped me

    A flyer pasted on my dance class notice board had in bold colorful lettering

    ‘Why do you dance? What do you feel when you dance?’ and the like.

    It was amusing when I saw it first, but I keep coming back to those questions every now and then. I used to learn dance over the weekends for close to three years and it has been more than a couple of years now since I returned. So it took some remembering when someone recently asked how dance has impacted me.

    Everyone’s journey in dance is different and so are its benefits. However for me the benefits have been clear as before –

    You learn how to hold yourself

    It can sound pretty basic. But any activity which increases body awareness, like dance, or yoga, makes you more conscious of your body structure and posture. By learning complex movements, you realize how effortful or effortless something can be. All this increased awareness just lets you have a better poise and presence.

    You get comfortable with falling (even literally)

    We used to try inversions like handstands, cart wheels every now and then. And for a beginner that just means lot of falling rather than doing an actual cartwheel.

    And then days, or weeks later you finally get hold of it and learn to do it with less thought. So you need to be ready to keep falling and failing repeatedly and trying regardless.

    It becomes easier to put yourself out there

    Any performance art entails showing up fully as yourself and willing to be seen. Doing more of it makes you slightly more comfortable to be in the spotlight.

    Seeing others on stage and the vulnerability which accompanies that can be greatly comforting. It can compel you to show up in your full glory as well.

    You get out of your head

    Dance can become an intense physical activity which you can’t intellectually force. Many a times a movement which seems simple can be so difficult to execute. You then understand that you need to stop overthinking it, and just enjoy and stay with the process. Eventually the movement will distill to your body.

    There are obvious physical, and mental fitness benefits from having a steady dance practice. But the advantages can be much more.

    Every time I go to a dance class, there is something new I learn about myself.
  • Time is a container

    Time is a container

    Time feels so real and yet fleeting at the same time. Usually it feels as though we have an unlimited supply of it. However, all of us need to work with this rigid container of twenty four hours in a day.

    There is a lot of pressure to maximize the output from this container. The loud productivity brigade calls us to extract the most from limited time. Thankfully for us, we have books like Four Thousand Weeks which have established how getting on to a productivity treadmill is a futile endeavor.

    Like many other things in life, your relationship with time gets better once you let go of your desire to control it tightly.

    Recently I came across this insightful podcast episode featuring Laura Vanderkam, the author of the book Tranquility by Tuesday. It is filled with great, easy to apply steps which can help you get a better hold of our never-failing-to-overwhelm-life.

    The author gives us a simple tip on how to work with this container – time.

    Have a set bedtime!

    It can be easy to believe that we can extend our supply of time by forgoing our rest or leisure time seeping into our sleep. Revenge bedtime procrastination is becoming more common now – a long tiring day would drag well past midnight with scrolling through Instagram or watching Youtube.

    Of course this means that you don’t feel your best the next day, as you still need to wake up on time to get on with your day.

    I have started to apply this principle, and honestly am quite surprised how a simple change can improve your overall wellbeing. Having a set bedtime ensures I put myself to sleep around that time. Even if I stretch by twenty or thirty minutes, I am somewhat clearly aware of how this will impact my energy the next day.

    Earlier it felt like it was my right to continue entertaining myself well into the night, because I have had a tiring/boring/exciting/<insert any emotion> day. But now you understand how delaying bedtime can impact you.

    Eventually you feel indebted to your future self and go to bed early! At a time you had chosen for yourself.

  • Should you say Yes, or No?

    Should you say Yes, or No?

    Self help literature usually asks you to say No to things by default, to avoid burnout and save your energy for things that really matter. But like any other maxim, it leads itself to over simplification.

    So I was pleasantly surprised when Atul Gawande (whose book Being Mortal I greatly admire), asked us to say yes until we are 40 in this podcast.

    This got me thinking on how saying yes, within limits and based on how much you can chew at a moment has its merits

    You become more open minded
    By saying yes, you allow serendipity and surprise to enter your life. Saying yes does not have to be anything big like a long online course. Even little things like a social event which you would normally skip, or a last minute booking for a theatre play can open up new ways of thinking.

    You understand your limits
    Just following along with many things will eventually expose your hard limits or attributes which you weren’t aware of. Such moments where you hit a bummer, if channeled and processed correctly can be a great opportunity to understand yourself better.

    You create space for new things
    To take on something new, you need to forgo something present or put it on the backburner. It means you have to critically look at your resources (time, energy and finances). Even if you end up declining the offer, it forces you to rethink whether you are using your resources for things that matter to you.

    You choose to say yes, mindfully
    By stepping up and choosing to lean into opportunities which interest you, you are signaling to yourself that you are making a choice and committing to something. There are times and perhaps areas in life where you won’t have much choice, like staying-in during a pandemic.

    But when you say yes, You are making the choice and you get to keep the promise you made to yourself.

    Saying yes doesn’t mean you need to follow through even after you discover information countering it.

    You gain a better understanding of your range, solidify your values and make your drive stronger for things which really matter.

  • Taking up space

    Taking up space

    As you go through life, among other things like competency, empathy, money, you realize how developing a healthy sense of self is of paramount importance. We tend to focus on developing skills and traits that help us be a better human to others, but we need to focus on being a better friend, confidant, ally to oneself too.

    One such realizations in my journey of self development is how it is fair for you to take as much space as you want. It is not just about literal space, though that matters to.

    We once had an activity in our dance class where a group of around twenty people are walking around the dance floor without stopping or bumping into each other. Like a swarm of flies in a bottle is how our instructor described our movement should be. And the area to walk progressively gets lesser and lesser. Eventually you have everyone moving in a space as large as a bathroom.

    After awkward bumps, few pushes, we finally ended the activity. Later my instructor gave the feedback on how I was literally curling my shoulders inward to not take up space. She did an impression of my walk and it looked both funny and surprising how I didn’t even realize I was doing that. Once we all of us got our respective feedback, the second time, we all flowed between each other like birds swaying with their wings around obstructions.

    Their began my journey of understanding space, posture and how we constrict or expand ourselves based on situations.

    It taught me how to be comfortable with my own body and take the space I need without apologizing.

    Of course you are not going to infringe on someone else’s space but that doesn’t mean you have to diminish yourself.

    In the larger context, I feel taking up space also means showing up as your authentic self. Even in situations or places where showing up might not be easy. It could mean going to that event alone where only groups have turned up. Or holding space and being comfortable with the sadness lurking when a friend is crying.

    You firmly and gracefully stand your ground.

    Everyone has space in this world to just be and flourish. A flower along the sidewalk doesn’t apologize for the space it takes, it blooms and withers when its time. Taking as much space when and where it needs, and gently fading away.

    Give yourself the permission to be seen fully and in all your splendidness.

  • Friend groups and their adda (hangout place)

    Friend groups and their adda (hangout place)

    We all know the importance of friends and the fun (and occasional irritations) they bring in one’s life. And if a friendship persists for a long time, it can be satisfying to watch your friend grow and evolve along with you and appreciate how far you have come in your own paths.

    Maintaining friendships takes time and deliberate effort. One knows of the unending planning which has to occur before any meet materializes. Among the various unsaid rules and rituals we form in friendships, I was recently thinking about the benefit of having a preferred hangout spot or an adda.

    This can be an old peepal tree in your college or a quaint darshini or the fancy pub in city center or just one of your friend’s house. Having a shared space where everyone can gather and be seen and heard fully can be fulfilling.

    It can be a common thread in a long ensuing friendship.

    From a logistical perspective, it helps decide on a default place to meet. But it serves much more.

    It makes everyone come back to the same place, literally. The familiarity provides a feeling of safety and trust. Before the advent of text messaging or phone calls, one would wait at such an adda for a friend to show up. To me that sounds almost romantic! 🙂

    Well in general, having friends makes life much enjoyable, and bearable in tough times.

    An adda can be a physical marker for such a beautiful relationship in one’s life.