deepcontemplator

thinking deeply about things that matter

Tag: Thoughts

  • How to be less uptight

    How to be less uptight

    You want to things to be always prim and proper. With proper decorum. You get frustrated with minor inconveniences. Life problems can be stressful to handle at the best.

    The truth however is that life’s difficulties touches everyone in their lifetime. Isn’t the whole growing up, being mature, about being more resilient when life happens.

    1. Understand that things go wrong (and more often than you think)
      Even with best intentions, best plans, sometimes you get punched in the face. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It doesn’t mean everyone around is constantly judging you. When things don’t go as expected, accept it, and continue anyway.
    2. Its not your responsibility
      Yes, most things you are fretting about, let go. They are not your responsibility. Unless you are fully responsible of taking care of another living entity, like a child, pet or someone sick. You don’t need to get the house in order before guests visit, you are not responsible for always having to put up a cheerful and happy persona. You are allowed to have human emotions, and its healthy to show them in a safe space.
      So stop taking blame and apologizing for everything which goes wrong.
    3. Learn to be adaptable
      Things keep changing all the time. Try to be as adaptable and accommodating as you can. If any situation or person does expose your rough edges, give yourself enough grace and compassion to fully accept it. Think about how you can learn more about the situation and react better next time.
    4. Read, travel, meet people
      Learn, interact (and live their life vicariously via fiction) with people different from you. You learn how things go bad even with the ‘perfect’ people or circumstance. The more you can expand your worldview, the softer you become to yourself and those around you.
    5. Understand the finitude of life
      After all, an average person has around four thousand weeks in a lifetime! So is it really worth worrying and stressing about how the waiter irresponsibly doused a whole glass of mango milkshake on you.
      Many a times, its best to be just amused on how life can be so unpredictable and in the most random ways.
    Laugh at the minor misfortunes and live beautifully anyway.
  • Choosing inaction

    Choosing inaction

    Most of our thought is usually around stories of what we can or should do. Or what we could have done differently. We are caught up in this loop of how effective we can be in our world by our actions. And, action speak louder than words too!

    After years of endless ‘doing’, there comes a time when you step back and try to make sense of it. You realise yourself pushing, pulling, exerting all that effort on many areas.

    You realise the importance of choosing not to act. When we consciously do not affect anything and just let things be.

    You let go of your need to control everything and put ‘things in order’. You begin to see how things are already good the way they are.

    Even if things are not exactly how and where you want it to be, its beneficial to take that occasional hour/day off where you are not trying to change things.

    Silence or inaction does not mean apathy. You do not have to endure hardhips or toxic behavior by remaining silent. But when you are on the always on mode, you need conscious stepping back.

    Not everything is broken, and not everything needs to be fixed, at least not by you.

    So, just let things be, once in a while. Take that time off to just sit by yourself and let your existence come into the fore. Without dousing it in to do lists.

  • A note about solo travel

    A note about solo travel

    Traveling solo is one of the few things which gets a lot of marketing on social media and among young adults. It is projected as this ultimate soul searching tool, one which can be liberating and empowering. Maybe it is for some or at some time in one’s life. But if you are unable to travel solo, are you really missing out? Is it a must do? That’s complicated.

    I never felt the need to travel solo, or even travel in fact. If you mention that you don’t like traveling, its assumed that you are not serious about your growth. But is travel the only way to grow and expand your world view?

    So it was quite unlike me when I decided to go on a solo trip recently. I had quite some trepidation and inertia on should I even travel anywhere on my vacation days! But Internet seemed to advice that best way to spend your off days is to have a change of scenery and go as far as possible from your current environment!

    Solo travel does have its moments. I had a few interesting conversations. I got to travel at my own pace, customize the itinerary entirely without having to worry about anyone else’s needs. It was peaceful and fulfilling.

    Is solo travel the salve for everything? Is it really meant to give you something radical which you can’t figure out in the comfort of your own house? Maybe not. At least that’s not my experience.

    Travel, solo or with family or friends has its place in one’s life. It can be entertaining, relaxing, enlightening, humbling, any/all of these. But it can also be lonely, disorienting, tiring, uninspiring. Even a successful trip will be interspersed with these low points.

    So if you wanted to travel solo, go ahead! Maybe traveling the world solo is something you always wanted to do. But in no way is traveling the only way to become a better human. Definitely you don’t need to travel solo for it.

    We need to trust our intuition and follow its light for any activity in life.

    Always remember how much any activity can help us. As always, you can do too much of even a good thing.

  • Word of the month – nourishing

    Word of the month – nourishing

    The last month was all about wondering lovingly, and gently how different aspects of one’s existence are nourishing or otherwise. I got thinking of this word while reading the book Ayurveda: Ancient wisdom for modern wellbeing by Geeta Vara (which btw I greatly recommend if you are curious about Ayurveda and want some simple to apply principles)

    nourish

    to cherish, foster, keep alive, etc.

    nourishing food

    Food is an important aspect for anyone’s existence. Having well balanced nutritious food is self care. You signal to your body that it matters, and you mindfully choose to nourish it both in terms of quality and quantity. 

    It is only recently have I realized nourishment doesn't have to be punishment in terms of fad diets or intense exercise.

    Like everything in life, everything is good in moderation. So every time you pick up something to eat, just be pleasantly grateful that you are getting to experience it and how it is nourishing you.

    nourishing impressions

    We are constantly bombarded with external stimuli which can both overwhelm and fatigue us. In such an environment, it is refreshing to every now and then take a step back and consciously choose what you let into your mind.

    It could be spending an afternoon rereading passages from your favorite book, replaying your childhood video game, walking through tree filled avenues. Exposing yourself to varied nourishing experiences can be deeply grounding and uplifting.

    nourishing company

    As social beings, we can derive great energy from the right company. Even introverts need an understanding friend who listens from time to time.

    Reach out to those close pals, rekindle forgotten acquaintances if you feel like, or even go out to a café and just be in the company of others with good food.

    I hope you continue to find nourishment in your life and flourish. 🙂

  • Living gracefully

    Living gracefully

    Life is hard.

    Many a times you will get punched in the face when you are least expecting it.

    But what matters is how you are able to dust off the sand and get back up again. Get back to what you were doing. With better understanding perhaps, but you persist.

    Much is spoken about grit, in this post I want to talk about grace.

    One of the definitions of Grace is
    “elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action”

    I refer to grace here in a much wider sense. Its your ability to put a persistent and smiling face after a setback. (Or maybe you really want to sob loudly, which is okay too!)

    You fully understand that you have failed at something, maybe even miserably. But you allow yourself enough grace and self compassion to continue with renewed energy and strength.

    At some point or other, everyone messes up. Or things might be totally out of our control and maybe luck didn’t favor us well. However that doesn’t mean we need to wallow in self loathe and beat ourselves up.

    You acknowledge the reality, get back to business, one step at a time, gracefully. 🙂

  • Should you say Yes, or No?

    Should you say Yes, or No?

    Self help literature usually asks you to say No to things by default, to avoid burnout and save your energy for things that really matter. But like any other maxim, it leads itself to over simplification.

    So I was pleasantly surprised when Atul Gawande (whose book Being Mortal I greatly admire), asked us to say yes until we are 40 in this podcast.

    This got me thinking on how saying yes, within limits and based on how much you can chew at a moment has its merits

    You become more open minded
    By saying yes, you allow serendipity and surprise to enter your life. Saying yes does not have to be anything big like a long online course. Even little things like a social event which you would normally skip, or a last minute booking for a theatre play can open up new ways of thinking.

    You understand your limits
    Just following along with many things will eventually expose your hard limits or attributes which you weren’t aware of. Such moments where you hit a bummer, if channeled and processed correctly can be a great opportunity to understand yourself better.

    You create space for new things
    To take on something new, you need to forgo something present or put it on the backburner. It means you have to critically look at your resources (time, energy and finances). Even if you end up declining the offer, it forces you to rethink whether you are using your resources for things that matter to you.

    You choose to say yes, mindfully
    By stepping up and choosing to lean into opportunities which interest you, you are signaling to yourself that you are making a choice and committing to something. There are times and perhaps areas in life where you won’t have much choice, like staying-in during a pandemic.

    But when you say yes, You are making the choice and you get to keep the promise you made to yourself.

    Saying yes doesn’t mean you need to follow through even after you discover information countering it.

    You gain a better understanding of your range, solidify your values and make your drive stronger for things which really matter.

  • Taking up space

    Taking up space

    As you go through life, among other things like competency, empathy, money, you realize how developing a healthy sense of self is of paramount importance. We tend to focus on developing skills and traits that help us be a better human to others, but we need to focus on being a better friend, confidant, ally to oneself too.

    One such realizations in my journey of self development is how it is fair for you to take as much space as you want. It is not just about literal space, though that matters to.

    We once had an activity in our dance class where a group of around twenty people are walking around the dance floor without stopping or bumping into each other. Like a swarm of flies in a bottle is how our instructor described our movement should be. And the area to walk progressively gets lesser and lesser. Eventually you have everyone moving in a space as large as a bathroom.

    After awkward bumps, few pushes, we finally ended the activity. Later my instructor gave the feedback on how I was literally curling my shoulders inward to not take up space. She did an impression of my walk and it looked both funny and surprising how I didn’t even realize I was doing that. Once we all of us got our respective feedback, the second time, we all flowed between each other like birds swaying with their wings around obstructions.

    Their began my journey of understanding space, posture and how we constrict or expand ourselves based on situations.

    It taught me how to be comfortable with my own body and take the space I need without apologizing.

    Of course you are not going to infringe on someone else’s space but that doesn’t mean you have to diminish yourself.

    In the larger context, I feel taking up space also means showing up as your authentic self. Even in situations or places where showing up might not be easy. It could mean going to that event alone where only groups have turned up. Or holding space and being comfortable with the sadness lurking when a friend is crying.

    You firmly and gracefully stand your ground.

    Everyone has space in this world to just be and flourish. A flower along the sidewalk doesn’t apologize for the space it takes, it blooms and withers when its time. Taking as much space when and where it needs, and gently fading away.

    Give yourself the permission to be seen fully and in all your splendidness.

  • Friend groups and their adda (hangout place)

    Friend groups and their adda (hangout place)

    We all know the importance of friends and the fun (and occasional irritations) they bring in one’s life. And if a friendship persists for a long time, it can be satisfying to watch your friend grow and evolve along with you and appreciate how far you have come in your own paths.

    Maintaining friendships takes time and deliberate effort. One knows of the unending planning which has to occur before any meet materializes. Among the various unsaid rules and rituals we form in friendships, I was recently thinking about the benefit of having a preferred hangout spot or an adda.

    This can be an old peepal tree in your college or a quaint darshini or the fancy pub in city center or just one of your friend’s house. Having a shared space where everyone can gather and be seen and heard fully can be fulfilling.

    It can be a common thread in a long ensuing friendship.

    From a logistical perspective, it helps decide on a default place to meet. But it serves much more.

    It makes everyone come back to the same place, literally. The familiarity provides a feeling of safety and trust. Before the advent of text messaging or phone calls, one would wait at such an adda for a friend to show up. To me that sounds almost romantic! 🙂

    Well in general, having friends makes life much enjoyable, and bearable in tough times.

    An adda can be a physical marker for such a beautiful relationship in one’s life.

  • Joys of taking the road already taken

    Joys of taking the road already taken

    Trying out new things and places gets so much air time in modern society. Social media is always abuzz with the new cool places in town you have to try!

    But once in a while going back to those lanes which you have traversed innumerable times has joys of its own.

    There is definitely merit to exploring new places, paths and people. Without the human nature of curiosity and exploration, we would not have progressed so much. At the same time, going back to those known alleys and people can give you solace and comfort.

    There is a great joy in coming back home.

    So give yourself the permission to stay put or go back when you feel like. When you are hit by a bout of nostalgia and want to traverse the route to your college. Or to simply wander through the temple lined street you saw for years from your classroom window. For sure things would have changed and you may no longer recognize complete lanes!

    But its okay to be ‘boring’ and go back to the same place. Places which will always stay close to your heart.

  • Paying attention to attention

    I am currently doing a ten day pack on the meditation app Headspace on being present actively. It asks us to notice the level of focus and alertness we bring in life. Until I began noticing my level of attention, I was just sailing through a lot of times during the day. I believe given all the information overload around us, we tend to zone out frequently and multi task with the hope of conserving energy. But of course, the results are the opposite.

    A lot of time we get so immersed in an activity when we get into a flow state. This is definitely beneficial and lets us do our best work and enjoy it. However if you don’t pay attention to your attention ( 🙂 ) you might just be drifting from one task to another. Specially if its something mundane and routine.

    That’s where consciously noticing and bringing awareness to yourself and the activity which you are doing can be beneficial.

    It grounds you in the present moment, the reality. It frees from the shackles of the past or the worries about the future.

    When you bring awareness, start noticing your energy level and just the prominent underlying emotion, you start feeling more at ease.

    The idea is not to change anything drastically by noticing. We want to be just aware of how we are feeling, how active and alert our mind feels at different points through the day. This in my experience, can help focus better and notice any patterns which we might want to change.